


Cold At Night

by shellface



Series: Lean On Me [1]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe, Domestic, Drunken Kissing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mention of Therapy, Past Relationship(s), it's okay in the end i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-09 23:09:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8916700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shellface/pseuds/shellface
Summary: Wonshik swears it was just a drunken mistake, but Hongbin thinks it might be a red flag for their relationship. And he's determined to fix that.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I love domestic!rabin. That's all I have to say.
> 
> Thanks to B for reading all of it <3

Hongbin feels his heart stutter in his chest as Wonshik pulls Jaehwan closer, laughingly pressing a kiss against his lips. It starts out as just a joke, but Wonshik – sensing that Jaehwan is drunk enough to kiss back, takes it further.

Eventually – oh, eventually – he pulls away, still laughing. Catching Hongbin's eye, he calls, “Not as good of a kisser as you!”

Hongbin's face is frozen. He cannot smile back, cannot laugh at it. Intellectually, he can tell himself it was a joke; that Wonshik is so drunk that he can barely stand up without support, and it was just a drunken mistake – but emotionally. Oh, emotionally – he's a mess.

It would be a bit of an understatement to say he has abandonment issues – though he refuses to talk about it, and prefers to pretend he's absolutely fine, he knows it's a problem, knows that he takes nearly everything as rejection.

And right now, this – when he's drunk, tired, and feeling so entirely out of his comfort zone – feels like a rejection. A rejection of everything he and Wonshik have built together. There is an uncomfortable swooping feeling in his chest, a feeling he associates with a loss of security.

He doesn't feel secure. And that is something Wonshik has always, _always_ given him.

Wonshik stumbles towards him, still laughing, still smiling, and he finds himself backing away. He shakes his head. “Not now, Wonshik. Not now.”

He walks out of the club. He needs some air, some distance – but he can hear Wonshik following behind him. When he reaches out for his shoulder, he shrugs it off – childish, to be sure, but all he can think is that he just kissed Jaehwan, right in front of him.

 _Jaehwan_. Wonshik's almost ex.

“Hongbin, come on – ”

“No,” he says, and he can hear his voice losing all emotion, becoming cold and hard as it does when he's really upset. He knows he be hard to read; anxious and awkward one minute, sarcastic and laughing the next. But when he's _really_ angry, he doesn't sound as if he cares at all. “I'm going. You can do what you like,” he adds spitefully.

Wonshik swallows. “Hongbin, it was a joke,” he says uneasily. “You know I would never – ”

“I'm not interested in talking about this,” he tells him, cursing the quaver in his voice. “I'm just – not.”

He walks away before Wonshik can say anything more.

***

He's fighting the urge to cry as he rings Chanshik's doorbell. When Chanshik answers the doorbell, his eyes widen in surprise. “Are you okay?”

He shakes his head. “No,” he manages. “I'm not.”

Chanshik moves away from the door to let him in. “Come in. Jinyoung's asleep, he's got an early shift tomorrow. So – just be quiet, yeah?”

Hongbin nods, sniffing a little. “Okay.”

Chanshik makes them both tea (because that's what his mother taught him to do when someone is upset), and sits Hongbin down on the sofa. “So,” he says expectantly, “what happened?”

“Wonshik kissed Jaehwan. Right in front of me.”

“What the fuck?” Chanshik's expression is almost comical. “Why?”

He shrugs. “Because he wanted to, I suppose.” He takes a deep gulp of his tea. He is shaking so badly he has to hold it with both hands. “I didn't ask.”

Chanshik's eyes narrow. “How drunk was he?” He asks, eyebrows raised. “You didn't mention that. You _know_ what he gets like when he's drunk. He's flirty – but you know he doesn't mean it. He wouldn't touch anyone else sexually in a million years.”

“He was mixing drinks like there's no tomorrow,” Hongbin mutters resentfully, “but that doesn't excuse it.”

Chanshik rolls his eyes. “Come on, Hongbin, everybody finds other people attractive. It's natural. I do it, Jinyoung does it – and I know you do.”

“But this is _Jaehwan_ ,” Hongbin stresses. “You know their history, you know how Wonshik feels – _felt_ – about him. What if that's what he wants? What if he's just with me to – to...kill time?”

“For god's sakes, Hongbin,” Chanshik sighs wearily. “You're just _looking_ for reasons for him to abandon you now. Yes, I know you had a tough childhood, and your parents are a bit shit – but Wonshik isn't. My god, he lights up like a fucking Christmas tree every time you come into a room. It's embarrassing – but I'd still kill for Jinyoung to do that around me.”

Hongbin does not say anything. Chanshik sighs again. “Look, I'm not saying what he did was okay – you have every right to bollock him for kissing his ex, even if it was just some dumb joke. But don't discount everything you have together.”

“I'm not,” Hongbin mumbles unconvincingly.

***

When Wonshik hears the front door unlatch, he jumps up immediately, not even trying to pretend he hasn't been waiting on the sofa the entire night. Hongbin's expression is unreadable when he comes through the door, but his eyes are red.

“Hey,” he says.

Wonshik swallows. “W-where were you?”

He shrugs. “I stayed the night at Chanshik's.”

“Oh.” Wonshik does not know what to say. He does not know if this is good or bad, if this is an indication that Hongbin is mad, sad, ready to leave him – he does not know, and it is killing him.

“Yeah,” Hongbin sighs. “I'm going to have a shower, okay?”

Wonshik nods, his heart fluttering madly. This is...wrong. They don't do awkward and monosyllabic. He swallows again, his throat dry and scratchy. “And...then?”

Hongbin does not look at him. “And then,” he says carefully, “we'll talk.” He leans forward, brushing his thumb against Wonshik's cheek. Wonshik stares at him, searching for any kind of indication that he is angry.

“I love you,” Wonshik whispers, and Hongbin nods.

“I know,” he says, and gently presses a kiss against his lips. He walks away without another word, and Wonshik is left feeling more confused than ever.

***

Wonshik is waiting in their bedroom when Hongbin returns from his shower. He's had half an hour to panic, so as soon as Hongbin appears in the doorway, hair dripping wet and clad in nothing but a towel, he blurts “Are you going to leave me?”

Hongbin blinks. “No,” he says immediately. “What gave you that idea?”

“You didn't come home all night,” Wonshik fiddles with the duvet cover, pleating it between his fingers. “And you wouldn't answer any of my calls or texts.”

“I was pissed off,” Hongbin says, rubbing a second towel through his hair. “I didn't want to talk.”

“And now you do?” Wonshik asks.

“Yes,” Hongbin says simply. “Now I do.”

Wonshik looks up from the duvet, heart thumping nervously. “I'm sorry,” he looks back down again, Adam's apple bobbing. “I don't know what came over me, I just – I don't know,” he finishes awkwardly. “I don't have an excuse. And I regretted it as soon as I did it. It was...stupid.”

Hongbin regards him thoughtfully for a moment. Wonshik's heart begins to pound so quickly it feels like it might fly right out of his chest. “I need to know why you did it, Wonshik. I know some people can do an open relationship, but I'm not one of them. Not with you, at least,” he adds softly.

Wonshik feels his heart lurch. “It's not like that! It was a dumb kiss. I don't want an open relationship – please don't think that.” His hands are trembling. Hongbin thuds down next to him on the bed, and takes both of his hands in his.

“You practically made out with him, Wonshik. If it was just a peck,” – _if it had been anyone but Jaehwan_ , he thinks, but does not say – “I wouldn't mind so much. But you _kissed_ him. In front of everyone. Like it was nothing. And it didn't...” He swallows, lips pressing together. “It didn't feel like nothing. Not to me.”

“I don't even remember it,” Wonshik admits shamefacedly. “I was really drunk. I know that doesn't excuse it,” he adds hastily, when he sees the look on Hongbin's face. “But I was. And I'll never do it again. I promise. I love you too much to do that to you again.”

“If you don't want to be a part of this relationship,” – Hongbin's voice quivers, but he pushes through. He needs to say this. “Then you can just tell me. I'll – I'll try to understand.”

Wonshik's eyes widen in horror. “Why the _fuck_ would you think that, Hongbin?” He says fiercely. “When have I ever – ” He bites the words back, closing his eyes. He already knows what Hongbin is going to say.

“You kissed someone else!” Hongbin's voice is frustrated, and Wonshik can see that his temper has finally snapped. “What am I supposed to think? That this is a perfectly normal thing to happen in a relationship? That it's okay for you to kiss other people in front of me all the time? That doesn't seem like commitment to me!” His breathing is hard. Wonshik can tell he has been holding this in for the entire night.

He gives a broken little laugh. “You want to talk about commitment?” He is so hurt that he can practically taste the pain. “You? I asked you to marry me, and you said no, Hongbin. I think that speaks more about your commitment to this relationship than mine.”

It's the wrong thing to say. He knows he's gone too far as soon as it comes out of his mouth – but he can't sit by and let Hongbin say that. He can't let him ask if he's still committed, when he still wonders if Hongbin would have said no to anyone else.

Hongbin's face loses all colour. He looks like he's just been slapped. Wonshik supposes that verbally, he has. “You know why I said no,” he says quietly, voice shaking. “And it has nothing to do with the way I feel about you.”

Wonshik does know that – most of the time, at least. It doesn't stop it hurting, not when it seems like practically everyone else they know is getting married.

“If you think I kissed Jaehwan as some form of petty...revenge,” he pauses, emotion blocking his throat, “then you're wrong. It was stupid. I wish I hadn't done it. But I didn't do it to hurt you. I'm not like that.”

Hongbin just looks at him. “Okay,” he says. “Okay.”

Wonshik knows that the argument – for Hongbin, at least – is over.

***

The rest of the day is tense, and mostly silent. Wonshik makes dinner, and they eat together as normal, but they are both quiet, too scared of pushing each other again. He knows he's almost forgiven; Hongbin would completely avoid him, if he wasn't – but it's still hard.

It feels like he's just walking on eggshells, waiting for Hongbin to start talking again. But luckily, he does not have long to wait, because he starts almost as soon as they get into bed. Wonshik supposes he wanted the safety of physical proximity to each other. They can't really walk away if they're both in the same bed, after all.

Hongbin takes a deep breath. “I want to go back to therapy,” he says, “and I want you to come with me.”

Wonshik shifts around in the bed to face him, his face pale. “What do you mean?” He asks nervously.

“I think there are things that you aren't happy about...and that we need to talk about, somewhere safe,” Hongbin says carefully. “I don't...I didn't understand how much it hurt you when I said no. And – I don't want you keeping things like that from me.”

Wonshik's face falls, and he presses himself closer to Hongbin unconsciously, as if it will stop him from leaving. “I never meant to say it, Hongbin. It was a stupid, spur of the moment thing that – ”

Hongbin cuts him off. “But it obviously hurt you. And if we're going to – to have the kind of relationship we both want, then we need to be honest with each other. We can't be scared that if we say the wrong thing, one of us will run off. I'm not running away. I'm just hurt.”

“It didn't mean anything,” Wonshik says immediately. “I was drunk, I thought it was...funny.” He swallows. “Honestly, I don't know what I thought. But it wasn't about wanting Jaehwan – I don't _want_ anybody but you.”

Hongbin pulls him into his arms, and Wonshik feels his whole body relax; he's been tense all day, feeling guilty and scared and a little bit resentful. And he's _missed_ this, missed their easy closeness and love of touching one another, even in the most innocent of ways. “I...I know that,” Hongbin tells him quietly. “At least I think I do. But – it hurt.”

“I love you,” Wonshik says, his throat so thick with emotion it hurts. “I've honestly never loved anyone the way I love you. Jaehwan never even compared, if that's what you're worried about.” Angrily, he scrubs at his eyes; he doesn't want to cry, not again. “And he never even wanted me back.”

“You know how I feel about him,” Hongbin's body is taut against his. Wonshik curses himself for bringing Jaehwan up. It never ends well.

“He doesn't mean anything,” Wonshik says, a little desperately. “And I won't even go near him again, if that's what you want. I don't need him – I need _you_.”

Hongbin laughs, the sound sad and hollow. “That's not what I want. I don't want to control who you can and can't talk to. That's why I think therapy is a good idea, just for a session at least. I don't want us to say things that we don't mean.”

“It makes me feel like you think there's something wrong with our relationship,” Wonshik is so close to crying, he can taste it. “I thought everything was good. I didn't mean to fuck it up.” His voice quavers.

“I don't think there's something wrong with us,” Hongbin says evenly, “but I think there are kinks we could work out. And if you feel like I'm not willing to commit, then I'm worried. I don't want to constantly feel like I'm not giving you what you want. I thought you understood.” He sounds accusing, he knows – but it _hurts_ that Wonshik would throw it back in his face like that.

“I do understand. It just…hurt me. It makes me feel like this is just…a step on the way for you. That it's not...permanent.” He searches Hongbin's face for a moment, looking for confirmation that he understands. “I want us to be permanent.”

“We are permanent.” Hongbin does not know what to say. He could tell Wonshik that this is really the only stable relationship he's ever had; that every other relationship in his life falls flat compared to their's – that he loves him in ways he never expected, or ever really sought out. But he finds his mouth stays shut. “I love you. You know that.”

Wonshik takes a deep, shuddering breath. He wraps his arms around Hongbin's neck, and for a moment, they just hold each other. “I know,” he mutters eventually, the words muffled against Hongbin's collarbones. “I do know that.”

“I don't think we're broken, or anything like that,” Hongbin's fingers are tracing absent-minded patterns against Wonshik's back, and he relishes the contact. “I just think we need a little help.” He kisses Wonshik's shoulder, rubbing his thumb against his bicep. “I just want us to be happy.”

“We are happy,” Wonshik mumbles, still clutching Hongbin to him. He knows he's being clingy, but he can't help himself. “But I'll go. If you want me to.”

Hongbin nods, and Wonshik feels a little lighter. He's right – they're not broken, but they've gotten into the habit of keeping their feelings from each other. It's not a bad thing to try and ease their communication issues.

It just hurts, that's all.


End file.
